The Prayers I Never Pray

I’m afraid to ask God for anything.

Because I’ve come to believethat it is better to never askthan to watch another beautiful hopesink to the bottomof a sea full of unanswered prayers.

And perhaps that sounds terriblecoming from someone who believes in God.

But you see,I’ve learned that if I never ask,I will never expect.And if I never expect,I will never be disappointed.

And I don’t think my heartcan survive another disappointment.

So these days,I keep my prayers small.

I ask for protection,for safety,for enough strength to make it through tomorrow.

Nothing extravagant.Nothing that requires meto stretch my faithbeyond what my fragile heart can bear.

I’ve learned to fold my desiresinto smaller and smaller pieces,until they fit neatlybetween a few familiar wordsand a hurried Amen.

And truth be told,I still believe God is good.

I believe He hears prayers.I believe He answers them.I’ve seen miracles unfoldin the lives of others,watched their tears turn into testimonies,their waiting into answered prayers.

And I rejoice with them.

I really do.

But somewhere in the quiet corners of my heart,there is a little voice that wonderswhether heaven remembers my namewith the same tenderness.

Because I believe He can.

I’m just afraid to believe He will.

At least,when it comes to me.

And sometimes I wonderif my fear has becomethe very thing standingbetween my prayers and their answers.

But how do I teach my heartto hope without trembling,when every time it dared to reach for something,it came back with empty hands?

How do I ask for morewhen I’m still trying to make peacewith everything I asked for before?

So I keep my prayers small.

Not because my dreams have grown smaller,but because my hearthas grown afraid of their weight.

And every night,I kneel before a GodI still believe can do the impossible,carrying a thousand thingsI desperately want to ask Him for.

But I swallow them all.

I whisper,“God, please keep me safe.”

And say Amenbefore my heartfinds the courageto ask for anything more.