Allow Me to Be Human

I am a Christian,and I’m depressed.

And no,I don’t need you to give me a Bible verse.I don’t need another sermon,or a reminder that I should pray a little harder,believe a little stronger,or have a little more faith.

I just need you to listen.

To see me.

Not as a Christian who should know better,but as a human beingwhose heart is just as capable of breakingas anyone else’s.

Because I know.

Believe me, I know.

I know the Scriptures.I know the promises.I know the Gospel.

I’ve read the words,memorized the verses,and whispered them into pillowsstill damp from the tearsI couldn’t hold back.

I know He is near the brokenhearted.

But knowing thatdoesn’t make my heart hurt any less tonight.

And yes,I know that God is good.

But I’m tired.

I know that all things work togetherfor the good of those who love Him.

But I’m tired of waitingfor the good to finally come.

I know that everything has its season,that sorrow does not have to have the final word,that somewhere beyond this darknessthere may be a morningI have yet to see.

But right now,I cannot see beyond tonight.

And I wishyou would understandthat knowing the truthdoesn’t mean I am incapableof feeling the pain.

That faith does not make my skintoo thick for sorrow to penetrate,or my heart too holyto know what it means to break.

I am still human.

I still have nightswhen the weight of being alivefeels heavier than my shouldersknow how to carry.

And sometimes,I don’t need someoneto explain the purpose of my pain.

I just need someoneto acknowledge that it hurts.

To sit beside mewithout trying to turn my tearsinto a lesson.

To let my sorrow be sorrowbefore asking meto make a testimony out of it.

Because I am not questioningwhether God is good.

I am simply admittingthat life has been hard.

And I don’t thinkthose two truthshave to contradict each other.

So please,

don’t mistake my sadnessfor the absence of faith.

Don’t mistake my exhaustionfor a lack of gratitude.

And don’t ask meto turn every wound into wisdomwhile I’m still tryingto stop the bleeding.

I know the promises.

I know the God I serve.

I know.

But tonight,I don’t have the strengthto turn my paininto something beautiful.

So please,just for tonight,don’t ask me to be strong.

Don’t ask me to explain my tears.

Just sit with me,and allow meto be human.